Penning this down breaks my heart, I don't know why did I took such a long time to write it out, but I'm still not able to believe, Baba is more. Initially I was ok with it, because somewhere in my mind I knew he's tired, he feels helpless and burdened with every finance penny and is being careless towards his health. But now while writing this I feel I was ignorant towards him, being a single child is difficult, since my both parents were hospitalised I was juggling with both, I threw invalid tantrums at myself. When mummy finally came back home I was at relief and then started taking granted that my Baba will be ok too not just will, but I made up my mind that he's okay, he's fine. I still remember he was eating fine when he got discharged himself, but he was stubborn and not taking medicines, me being the daughter of a stubborn father threw hands up by saying if you want to take , take it or don't talk to me. I guess that's where I was wrong, but later when I realised I pleaded him take them, he still refused. I don't know what was on his mind. Next day he asked me to take to the hospital but I was too tired to get up since I had high fever , I refused and I said that'll I take him in evening, but by afternoon his oxygen reduced , he called his office junior staff to take him, that's where I felt I was the worst kid in the world who doesn't deserve to have parents. But by God's grace Baba got into hospital with a oxygen bed, he was 2 days in the hospital and one morning I got a call that he's no more. I was shattered, because somewhere in my mind I was hoping he'll get back home healthy.
I was not a good child, and this guilt will never go away, I chose my mom over father, but I guess that was destined. I have a habit of living without Baba since he was always working somewhere else and me and Mummy used to live in a different city, but there's a fact now, that I have to start from the scratch, there's no one to whom I can go back if I fail. My mummy is the strongest I feel, the only reason I'm sane still. But I still have sleepless nights, as soon as I close my eyes, everything just goes in my mind and I can't stop blaming myself for everything happened.
I'll miss you Baba, I'm sorry for being the arrogant child and choosing mummy over you.
