Lose Hope

 I know you must be thinking, why such a negative title?.. but that's what the conditions are.. situation is getting worst. Can't blame the government, because it's of no use. Sitting at home and getting frustrated day by day. Not because life is getting boring and no plans are working out. But because things are going out of hand, everyday I open social media for fun and entertainment, because I've decided not to take social media seriously. But as soon as I surf through it, I get more worried day by day, one or the other is suffering, pleading for blood diners, plasma doners and for bed availability. It's horrifying to look through it. Today I read a post which focused on the same thing. Daily cases are rising and people are losing faith. It genuinely breaks my heart when I see people suffering and hits harder when someone you know and close to you is part of this pandemic cycle. 

I said lose hope as it's my belief that longing on something will make you go away from reality. It personally happened to me , last year same day I was struggling to be in reality and to be in my imaginative world. It disturbs your mental health, as you are not able to identify the difference between the both the world. Trust the process is what I've always believed, but for last few months I feel I'm stuck, there's no process , there's no growth. I'm the same person ( professionally) I was back in my 12th grade. Obviously I was a part of so many new things, I got to know so many new artists and creators. But what about me, I'm not able to see any personal growth, other than getting up from my depression period. Sometimes I feel like complaining that why life is so difficult? But probably I'm over it, it's of no use. 

I said lose hope because I feel living in present is more helpful in these days, planning future is not worth it anymore. I'm a person who loves to plan every single detail but that's what hurts me more, that I'm not able to do things. Millions of thoughts comes across mind but those thoughts are no more helping me to achieve anything in real life. 

Took a media field, feeling it's exciting, won't deny. I enjoyed being part of a fun team, so many experiences. But there's nothing that actually made me feel satisfied. All of these feels so apart, so far. Hopes are crashing me down, but everyday I try to avoid thinking a lot. But I've a habit of journaling whatever happened in a day, and there's no growth in professional way. But I'm grateful for whatever I'm achieving in personal life, i.e. learning to cook and taking care of my family. I guess that's what universe or the great energy wants me to learn, appreciating small little things. 

Anyways, it's upto you, what you believe. Hopes or no hopes. Life and you'll find your ways.

Scars that scares me

 Isn't it amusing when you find something scary and your brain is all about "I know it's scary but it's thrilling man." Or maybe it's just my brain because I love watching psychological thrillers. But I always believe something unusual is always happening in our life, life is not just about good days and bad days , it's about the blank days too, where nothing much is happening and you think this day is a waste and you count them in bad days, or if you're lazy like you count it as a happy day because you got to sleep a lot. But as you grow older you start realising that it's not necessary to give a day a title or typecast it, I still don't understand why we chose our happy days as the great days of our life, is it because we don't want to blunder our dreams or is it a human nature. But my particularly fear is not able to acknowledge the good days , as I'm always busy looking forward to my future than to my present. Talking about future I always felt that one day I'll be independent and would enjoy on my own, Wake Up Sid one of my favourite movie portrays the importance of independence and freedom, and being a Bollywood fan I believed that this would be so easy. But as the day comes nearer I started feeling the fear of not achieving the goal as I've started realising that this would be tough. I want to change my mind, not because I want to run away before getting into it, but because I'm confused with what type of independence I need. You all would be thinking is there really types of independence, but guess what maybe my overthinking brain has come up with, so according to me there's a loner that like being tough for everything, being rebel for everything or the one who makes everything look easy and good and giving credits to other .( I don't know if this makes sense.) But I tried to shut my brain and told him to trust the process as you can't really choose what you like ( always) , perhaps you live in a society, your decisions depends upon you're surrounded by. I know this is all I've studied in culture studies and my brain has took from there, but don't you think it's real. But TBH , life feels like a race when you start reaching your 20's , you look for peace of mind and people around you look for your piece of life. 

You still must be wonderful I talked so much, but the title is still not explained, so my point is scars that scares me is the insecurity of not being independent with peace of mind. How both can go hand in hand is a still mystery for me. A scar that scares me is me being not able to have conversations with myself.